Reflections

I have officially been bit by the nesting bug.  Collecting items for baby, buying things like diapers, pacifiers, a special coming home outfit and blanket, a baby book, making a blanket, preparing Benjamin, and working on a bag to take to the hospital.  Yesterday, as I drove home from yet another appointment, I had a strange realization.  I am so excited to hold my baby boy.  Sounds strange, huh?

When Benjamin was born it took me a while before I realized that though he survived and was well, which I still praise God for on a regular basis, I went through a grieving process.  I had my little boy, but I mourned the loss of the "normal" experience I expected...a tough labor/c-section resulting in a baby being placed in my arms, staring down at a chubby, wrinkly, 9 lb boy (there is a history of high birth weights in my family), and taking him home a few days later.  I recall sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital during his NICU stay when a birthing class came in for a lunch break.  I ached with envy as I realized those women would likely deliver full-term babies.  They would get to take them home soon after they were born.  Their children would not be followed by half a dozen specialists, nor would not need multiple surgeries.  They would just get to be moms of typical babies.

A natural instinct against pain is self-defense.  If someone breaks your heart, you learn and guard it more carefully next time.  If you don't allow yourself to feel something completely, then it doesn't hurt as bad if things go wrong, right?  I think the same thing has happened in this situation.  I have loved this baby since I knew he was on the way, but a part of me has held back.  I didn't want to grieve the experience again.  By doing this, however, I now realize I have robbed myself of so much.  How much joy have I exchanged for the hope of protection against more hurt?  When Benjamin was at one of his worst points after his first surgery, when we were not sure if he would make it or not, our good friend and pastor Zach, gave us words that I will never forget.  He told us to basically savor every moment with Benjamin - really enjoy him, because we don't ever know when it will be the last.  This was not coming out of fear, but out of purely loving and enjoying the time that God has given us with him, whether it be 3 days or 75 years.  Maybe this is what Jesus meant when He said not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.

As for me, I still get concerned about this little guy, but I am allowing myself to fully love him, enjoy each kick, and daydream about a chubby little boy being placed directly in my arms, being slightly nervous about taking him home a few days after he is born.  Also, knowing that if anything else should happen, I can once again lean on the shoulders of a very big God who heals hurts and mends broken hearts.