Reflections

I have officially been bit by the nesting bug.  Collecting items for baby, buying things like diapers, pacifiers, a special coming home outfit and blanket, a baby book, making a blanket, preparing Benjamin, and working on a bag to take to the hospital.  Yesterday, as I drove home from yet another appointment, I had a strange realization.  I am so excited to hold my baby boy.  Sounds strange, huh?

When Benjamin was born it took me a while before I realized that though he survived and was well, which I still praise God for on a regular basis, I went through a grieving process.  I had my little boy, but I mourned the loss of the "normal" experience I expected...a tough labor/c-section resulting in a baby being placed in my arms, staring down at a chubby, wrinkly, 9 lb boy (there is a history of high birth weights in my family), and taking him home a few days later.  I recall sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital during his NICU stay when a birthing class came in for a lunch break.  I ached with envy as I realized those women would likely deliver full-term babies.  They would get to take them home soon after they were born.  Their children would not be followed by half a dozen specialists, nor would not need multiple surgeries.  They would just get to be moms of typical babies.

A natural instinct against pain is self-defense.  If someone breaks your heart, you learn and guard it more carefully next time.  If you don't allow yourself to feel something completely, then it doesn't hurt as bad if things go wrong, right?  I think the same thing has happened in this situation.  I have loved this baby since I knew he was on the way, but a part of me has held back.  I didn't want to grieve the experience again.  By doing this, however, I now realize I have robbed myself of so much.  How much joy have I exchanged for the hope of protection against more hurt?  When Benjamin was at one of his worst points after his first surgery, when we were not sure if he would make it or not, our good friend and pastor Zach, gave us words that I will never forget.  He told us to basically savor every moment with Benjamin - really enjoy him, because we don't ever know when it will be the last.  This was not coming out of fear, but out of purely loving and enjoying the time that God has given us with him, whether it be 3 days or 75 years.  Maybe this is what Jesus meant when He said not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.

As for me, I still get concerned about this little guy, but I am allowing myself to fully love him, enjoy each kick, and daydream about a chubby little boy being placed directly in my arms, being slightly nervous about taking him home a few days after he is born.  Also, knowing that if anything else should happen, I can once again lean on the shoulders of a very big God who heals hurts and mends broken hearts.

Summer Fun

Summer is flying by so fast, I can't believe that July is already over half gone.  We have been working on many projects this year and never seem to have enough time.  Our garage has its foundation and walls up, with a few trusses in place.  The irrigation system is in and working and the garden is growing fast.  The back fence is almost done with just a few boards that need some work before they can be put up.  Our new grass is growing beautifully in the back and now Benjamin can finally play on it.  Here is a picture from several weeks ago.

Last weekend we took a break from our projects and went to the beach with Brian's family for a few nights.  It was really nice to get away and relax.  The weather wasn't so good, but the house we stayed in had a gorgeous view of the ocean.  We did get some beach time for Benjamin to play in the sand.  As much fun as it was to get away, it was good to come home too.  There is nothing quite as wonderful as my own bed. :)

Here is a picture of Benjamin getting his legs buried by Uncle Bobo.

We stopped by a taffy shop just for fun and they gave Benjamin a piece of his first taffy (he is holding it if you look close.)

Benjamin is doing great.  He keeps me on my toes and does new things every day.  He is starting to say more words like baby, hat, eye, Amy (his cousin), me, more, and a few others.  He also can sign "help" now too.  This week we started going to Speech Therapy weekly instead of every other week, so I am hoping we will continue to see improvements.  We are also praying for Benjamin's ears.  He hears well, but does have negative pressure behind his ears.  This seems to be minor, but we have to give him a steroid nasal spray that will hopefully open up the tubes in his ears to help fluid drain.  We go back in 5 weeks to check his ears again.  If there is still negative pressure behind his ears he will need to have tubes put in.  That is a simple outpatient procedure, but I would rather not do it if possible.

New Territory

Benjamin is really starting to say more new words.  Considering he has only had a few words for months now, this is big news!  About a week ago he said "key" for the first time and has repeated it several times since.  Today he said "mama" several times on his own (usually I have to prompt him).  He has been doing better at signing "more" and today he picked up a toy phone and said "hi" several different times.  That was particularly exciting as we have been concerned about his pretend play skills, and that is one of them.  Once again, our son proves he is just on his own time line.

Speaking of time lines, tonight/tomorrow is a big milestone for us...our little boy #2 is at the same exact gestational age as Benjamin was when he was born - 25 weeks and 2 days.  That means after tomorrow, I am in new territory - I have no clue what being in the third trimester feels like.  It is almost like a first pregnancy!

This weekend we were looking at the picture below of Benjamin the day after he was born.  This is the stage our baby is at now and he probably looks pretty similar.  The picture below it is a 4D ultrasound that was done of our baby last Thursday (hand on the right, knee on the left.)  It was amazing to see what a baby looks at in real life at 25 weeks, but since we have been there and done that, we'll skip it this time :)  

 
It was truly amazing to see him in 4D though.  What a miracle every child is.

Half Way!

Our baby boy is 20 weeks along now, so we have officially reached the half way mark.  So far so good!  I am continue to have weekly progesterone shots (5 down, 15 to go) and have doctor visits every 3 weeks as long as there are no warning signs.  As the politicians say, I am cautiously optimistic at this point.

We have been knee deep in home improvement lately.  Brian has been working on building a fence for our backyard whenever the weather permits.  We are planting a new back lawn and while we were at it we decided to put in a landscape irrigation system, so now we have a 4" trench around most of our yard.  This week we also turned in an application for a building permit for a garage too.  Ok, we are more like neck deep versus knee deep.  It is not always fun, but I know it will be awesome when it is all complete.  Benjamin likes to help too.  Here he is trying on mommy's gloves.

Mother's day weekend we got our first recliner.  I was resistant for a long time, but I must say it is wonderful to be able to kick up my feet at the end of the day, especially being pregnant.  Benjamin likes it for reading.  The picture below was taken the day we got it.  He just climbed up and made himself at home.

Last week Benjamin got to play with his friends Maxson and Aiden.  They have an amazing play area behind their house that is like a park.  It has a sandbox, which Benjamin loved, swings, and an incredible pirate ship fort with a slide.  It was super fun.  Benjamin loved the swings, despite his tendency to slide forward which made him look like a hung sock monkey. :)

        

Celebrating Moms

It is so wonderful to have one day of the year set aside to honor our mothers.  Now that I am a mother myself, it has even more significance.  I have an awesome mom and have always loved her and thanked God for her, but it wasn't until I lost hours of sleep up feeding or comforting my son, changing explosive diapers, etc. that I became even more thankful.  Everything I do for Benjamin, my mom has already done for me.  This week I have thought about that quite a bit.

Yesterday, Benjamin and I did some grocery shopping.  He usually does great, but yesterday he got a little impatient, even with a container of snacks.  He started crying at one point and was so loud that a clerk came over and said "Is all of that noise coming out of this little guy?"  She was very nice about it, but it was a little embarrassing.  He calmed down and I continued shopping.  He likes to hold on to objects, so I gave him a watermelon to keep by his side.  He usually picks at the sticker and all is fine.  This time, however, while I had my back turned I heard a thud and turned around to find a cracked open watermelon on the floor with juices spilling out.  Even more, Benjamin was pointing at it as if to say "look mom, the watermelon jumped!"  It was one of those moments where I just wanted to hide.  Fortunately, I was able to bag up the cracked melon and found paper towels nearby to clean up the mess.  I doubt that I threw a watermelon (my mom would have probably known better than to give a 2 year old a watermelon), but I am sure I did a few things that made my mom want to hide.  So, thanks Mom, for losing sleep, changing diapers, and surviving embarrassment, not to mention all of the things you do and have done for me as a grandparent to Benjamin.

It's A...

Today was our ultrasound to check out baby #2.  We found out that we will be having another boy!!!  It was so fun to see little one looking just like a mini person and wiggling around.  From what they could tell baby is right on track for size and right where they they want him to be (huge praise!).  It is so wonderful to say "him" instead of "it" or "they!"  I already feel more connected to my youngest son just by being able to think of him as a little boy and not just a baby.  We don't have a name yet, though a couple ones we have discussed are Henry and Wesley.  This happened to us with Benjamin - we were just stumped over it.  One day I love a name, then the next day I don't so much.  Here is an ultrasound of our little guy:

Signs & Wonders

After about a year of me trying, Benjamin finally signed his first word, "more" about a week and a half ago and has been doing it consistently since then.  He can almost do the sign for "all done" though it is more like clapping so I am not always sure what he wants to communicate.  I cannot get over how correct the Early Intervention team we have been working with was right...communication does truly follow walking.  After just a couple weeks of being able to walk we have seen so much change!  Even his toy preference is changing.  He now has a love for stuffed animals, especially a soft teddy bear the hospital gave him the day of his surgery.  Before they were just objects for throwing.

Tomorrow is the day we (hopefully) find out if Benjamin will have a little brother or sister.  People keep asking me if I have an intuition on what it is.  I was much more sick with this baby than Benjamin, making me wonder if it was girl, but lately have been thinking more boy and last night had a dream it was a boy.  I am sure that one of my two guesses will be correct!  Either way we are thrilled at what God gives us.  It will be fun to call baby "he" or "she" rather than "it" or just "baby."  Hopefully we will agree on a name so we can call baby by name and pray for him or her by name too.