March 23, 2009

Thank you for your continued prayers. Today was another challenging day. Benjamin is still having a hard time with his ventilator and a few other things. He had a ultrasound of his brain, and they found that the mild hemorrhaging that was found last week has increased. At this point they are going to just watch it and see what it will do, and he will have another ultra sound next Monday to see if there is any change. As you can imagine, we are very concerned about this and are praying that the bleeding will stop and God will protect him. He is still having some discomfort, so they are giving him occasional doses of morphine as needed. There have been a couple good things. His bilirubin has improved with the extra lights and though he will likely be under them for a while, it is nice to know they are working. We had a scare that he was having some clotting issues around his liver (likely from where they accidentally nicked the liver during surgery), but praise God the tests came back ok. He still isn't quite ready to have food or be held. Possibly by next weekend, but it just depends on how he is doing.

Today was our 11th day hanging out in the NICU. It is like home to me now and I am starting to get down a routine. I am learning names of the staff and many of them know or at least recognize us. We continue to be pleased with the doctors and nurses there.

I am still on an emotional rollercoaster. When Benjamin has a good day, I have a good day an when he has a bad day, so do I usually. Sometimes I can take difficult news and sometimes I need to escape to a place where I can just let it all out and have a good cry. I am so thankful for Brian during these times. He has been my constant, steady support.

I find myself living the words of certain songs these days. There is one song that I really connect with called "Price of Love" by Heather Clark. I loved this song before, but now it hits home more. I feel more like I am in the "learning" to be free stage. Here are the lyrics:

I have seen a million miles of desert land, and I have learned to be free.
And I have walked the shadow lands of Egypt, and I have learned to be free.
And I have held the mane of untamed horses, and I have learned to be free.
And I have walked on frozen lakes in my soul, and I have learned to be free.

CHORUS:
And I have known the price of love,
And given all I have for a moment's time with you.
And I have died a thousand times,
And I have learned to be free.

VERSE(2):
And I have lost what only death could take from me, and I have learned to be free.
And I have gained what only life could give to me, and I have learned to be free.

CHORUS

VERSE(3):
And I have craved and walked away in the silence, and I have learned to be free.
And I have looked into the face of injustice, and I have learned to be free.

Thank you so much again for praying for our little Benjamin. I cannot express how much it means to us to hear that people are lifting him up to our Almighty God. It is a huge encouragement and gives us hope.

Jamie